Monday, October 12, 2009

1x10: He's A Threat, She's A Threat, We're All Threats

There’s a whale playing around at the reward challenge, and then Princess Jane has her weight revealed in front of the… eighteen people still watching this show, and then Lance is voted out. It’s strangely boring, for what it is.

Previously on Snuffed! (Sniff.): Hatie prepared a batch of manipulative little snake poison, made almost entirely from her own venomous personality. It turned out Sciona actually did say "warrior" at least once out there, but not necessarily in the way Knob kept mocking her about it for. Craig tried to divide and conquer, but found out dividing's a little difficult when you're only one person. Sophie enjoyed Lance's reward pizza. She also enjoyed her fish eyes enough to win Immunity. We learned that Long Pole Joel also has a long tongue. Though Craig had a huge smile, we will never find out about his tongue, because he was amputated from the tribe. Now, seven are left. Who will be voted off... TONIGHT?

We head immediately to Day 28 at Aurora with the help of some freaky and pointless techno music beeps, a group some stock emus, and a kangaroo scratching himself. There, Lance and Long Pole Joel talk about how Craig was nice, but he was trying too hard to split up Tipara. Long Pole Joel says that he seemed to trust Craig's noticing of an alliance, but stopped as soon as Craig said who was in it. Which makes very little sense, given that if there is an alliance in a group of seven people, you know you're not in it, and you've already realised that Lance isn't in it, it's almost certain Knob is. I want to like you, Long Pole Joel, but you're making it hard. And by "hard", I mean "difficult", not any of the other meanings. Not that that's not necessarily also happening. Sciona confessionals that Craig told the truth and tried to get Lance and Long Pole Joel to notice the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. Interestingly, Sciona explains that Craig told her to vote for him so she didn't become vulnerable after he was gone. So... basically, he did what Lucindork did back in the first episode -- get the tribe to vote for him to protect the others -- except he didn't vote for himself. And it conveniently paints Sciona as Not A Lying Cow, so that's also good. For her. I still find it hard to like her.

Credits. Nothing says "surviving in a harsh and unforgiving environment" like an Irish jig.

Commercials. Grant Bowler pwns the frigging universe, and don't you forget it.

Knob ruins some shots of a pretty sunrise by walking to the beach, as does Sophie. He scrapes some shells or something from the rocks and tells Sophie that Craig knew all about the Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning, after Hatie told him. Which is completely wrong. As we were repeatedly reminded, Hatie hated Craig almost as much as I hate her, so there's no way in hell the pair of them would do a deal. Secondly, we saw that discussion, and Craig never mentioned Hatie's name. At all. Sophie confessionals over a shot of Hatie climbing down to the beach that she doesn't think she can trust Hatie. About time her alliance figured out she can't be trusted. Personally, I would have thought all those final-two deals she's been making would have sealed it. But apparently not. Rob tells Sophie that it's good that Craig lied to him, because now he has an excuse to get rid of Hatie when he needs to. Not that he needed an excuse to vote off, say, Craig or NoMind.

Hatie confessionals that the one person she trusts out here doesn't trust her back, and it's all because Craig is "a creep" and because he upset her and Knob. She says Craig could have ruined her whole game. So it's nice to see Craig did something to help viewers like me from turning off completely once he got booted. Hatie continues her morning rantage, saying that Knob wouldn't talk to her or touch her (here, the Imaginary love story starts blurring the lines between fake and real). She also says that Knob feels upset about it, "which of course he should be". It's not entirely clear whether Hatie thinks Knob should be upset because he doesn't want to talk to her, or because he's the new scapegoat now that Craig is gone, but in either case, she needs therapy. Actually, given her past behaviour, she needs therapy even without that comment.

Hatie confronts Knob. She says she woke up feeling anxious because she didn't know how he was feeling. I woke up this morning confused that she had feelings, so I guess it all works out. She whines about how she singled him out for her Complicated Alliance Of Eternal Overplanning. And how that hasn't changed. Knob tells her he needs to know she still supports him, because otherwise his game is down the crapper too. What game? He's just leeched onto Hatie's alliance. He hasn't done anything on his own since he swayed Long Pole Joel's vote back in Episode 4. Hatie offers him a hug and calls him "a really good boy", as though he was a kindergartner. Knob calls her "a naughty girl", and we're back in the territory they should really seek a therapist for.

In the same confessional as before, Hatie finally tells us her preferred boot order after weeks of refusing -- Long Pole Joel first, then Lance, Princess Jane, Sophie, and Sciona; leaving her and Knob at the end. And, of course, her cuisine will reign supreme. But that could all change if Knob chooses to compete against a different Iron Chef. Which is entirely possible. Let's take a look at each person's Iron Chef alter ego, shall we?

Princess Jane is Iron Chef Swiss -- Loves her chocolate, insists she's totally adorable, and yet still considers herself neutral in the grand scheme of things. Long Pole Joel is Iron Chef New Zealander -- Sheep all the way, but is still trying to convince himself and others that he has more to offer. Lance is Iron Chef Canadian -- On the edge of the train wreck, but he's still completely redeemable even though you're trying to find a reason not to like him. Sarah Palin would consider him exotic. Sciona is Iron Chef Norwegian -- A rich history, has no problems with the cold environment and living off the land, and is well known even though nobody can quite figure out why. And Sophie is Iron Chef British -- A major figure physically and strategically, and yet remarkably bland and unmemorable.

As for Knob and Hatie? Hatie is Iron Chef Russian -- gives off the impression of being cold-hearted, is domineering to the people closest to her, and is trying to convince herself that her role in regards to everyone else is more important than it really is. And Knob, therefore, is Iron Chef Ukrainian -- capable of thinking for himself to the point of actually coming up with what everyone thinks is a Russian idea, but is still seemingly dependent on the Russians for support. (When I mentioned Knob was Iron Chef Ukrainian, WhoreBoy made a Chernobyl joke that was so horrifically funny that EmoHunk, who was also watching and snarking on this episode with us, literally wet his pants laughing. Since I don't want to be responsible for that happening again, please feel free to try and create the joke yourself.)

So pretty much anybody would be more advantageous from his point of view than Hatie.

That was quite a weird little interlude. Anyway. Moving on.

Knob confessionals that he "doesn't necessarily believe" Hatie, but that she'll be pissed if he doesn't do what she wants. See? Ukrainian. Has it written all over his face. It's in Cyrillic, but it's there.

Lance dumps the big fishing net into the water, and waves are mild.

The five beach dwellers walk back to camp, not that we found out who the fifth is. There, Long Pole Joel scoops his morning rice up and passes the bucket on. Princess Jane confessionals that he blows his nose with his hands, and then uses the same snot-covered hands to get his rice. She says it's "disgusting" and it makes her feel ill. Yeah, me too. Especially considering he's had one shower and no girlfriends over the last 28 days. She says it's also annoying because he takes "a mountain" of rice compared to everyone else. Jane is lying down while in her confessional; in a field or whatever it is which can't possibly be real. It's just too fake-looking, especially with the sky that colour in the background. It's like matching up photos of the kid and kid-loving Michael Jacksons. Long Pole Joel confessionals that Princess Jane doesn't do much, food-wise, and yet still eats as much as everyone else. Which is still much less than you, so shut it. He thinks she'll be voted off next.

Knob calls the game "the most amazing observation of people I've ever been, you know, thrown in front of". The ever-morbid WhoreBoy wonders aloud if we can get a second amazing observation of people, whatever that is, to take on the form of a speeding vehicle. He says there's greed, stress, tension, and a feeling of "how am I going to cope with that person for another night?" Down here in Not Everything Is Imaginary-Land, we call that lust, Knob.

We white out and cut to the Bucket Mail, which Sciona and Sophie get. It's a thick tree branch, and it says:

Take aim, take aim, to miss will be dire

Pull back on the cord, then open fire

Land on the mark as often as can be

And you'll be sitting down for afternoon tea

They are both unreasonably excited to see the words "afternoon tea".

Our challenge preview shots this time are a giant yellow ring floating in the water, some yellow painted cricket balls, and a slingshot. Fun! Once again, we are spared the chance to see Knob incorrectly guess the challenge, which means that that joke is almost obsolete. Almost.

Commercials. Shut up, Miley Cyrus.

A helicopter flies over the waves to the floating ring. We find out that there are several sets of balls, each a different colour. A scoreboard, which looks like that crappy one from NoMind's reward, reveals that Long Pole Joel has green balls (that's not what I've heard), Sophie's are orange, Lance's are yellow, Princess Jane's are red, Knob's are lilac, Sciona's are also yellow (I'd suggest that one is Kadina green, but we already have Joel's as green, too), and Hatie's are white, because she is so perfect and innocent and whatever.

Link welcomes them to the challenge. He marvels at the view, and believe it or not, that will actually turn out to be relevant in about five minutes' time. He also mentions how ugly the yellow ring is, all cluttering up the landscape out there. So your job is to use it for target practice. Each person has to take turns using a giant slingshot to fire "missiles" (the cricket balls) as the ring. You get one point for every ball that lands inside the ring. Weirdly, Link actually tries to demonstrate the slingshot, not realising that he doesn't have the balls to do it. Whoever gets the most balls inside the ring wins Devonshire tea (or Devonshire coffee, or Devonshire hot chocolate, apparently). Simple.

Despite the scoreboard's order, Sciona is first. She thinks she overshot it, but it lands well short of the ring. Knob is closer, but off to the right and still a little too short. Lance gets down on one knee to aim, and it's hard to tell where it lands because of the sun glare on the water. Sophie also crouches, and hers touches the outside of the ring. But it's the outside, so she doesn't get anything. Princess Jane gets the right length, but is a few feet right. Hatie aims and shoots. Knob obnoxiously tells her it's going to go in, but it goes a bit too far. Heh. Long Pole Joel seems to have surprisingly little experience aiming at things that far away, landing both short and slightly to the left. Sciona is just short. Knob's lands on top of an underwater camera. The Underwater Survivors are under the water, wondering whether Andrew Symonds is on another fishing trip. Lance. Miss. Sophie. Another close miss. Princess Jane scores. Woo! A graphic reminds us of the fact, in case we can't count up to the impressive grand total of one point. Hatie misses. Long Pole Joel overcompensates from his last attempt and goes too far. Sciona comments that it's her last ball, and Link agrees. Now, he won't be the only one up there without any balls! Sciona misses. Knob's final shot is the worst so far. Ha! Lance misses by centimetres. Princess Jane is still leading. Sophie misses. Princess Jane misses. Hatie misses. Everyone comments on Hatie's "perfect length", just in case she whines and demands another attempt. Link realises before anyone that Long Pole Joel's last ball is wind-affected, and Princess Jane, the one everyone kept thinking was worthless and couldn't beat anyone, let alone Craig, wins a challenge. And not a Biggest Breasts Challenge. Hatie tells her she deserves it. That probably won't stop her from bitching about Princess Jane as soon as she gets home. Or she could be efficient and start ranting now.

A whale breaches in the water. Angelic music plays as Sciona realises and Long Pole Joel tells everyone he's never seen one before. Not even Moby Dick? (EmoHunk says thank you, reminds you he is here until Thursday, and encourages you to try the chicken.) They all notice. The whale heads straight for the ring, and wonders if its fin will trick Link into giving it the reward. Hey, whales like scones! Link realises that he's as superfluous as Boo Boo at the moment, and hands over the pic-a-nic basket without much of a fuss. He still has to point out everything there, but at least there's no product placement from the strawberry farm or anything. In other news, the whale gets close to the underwater camera, and the Underwater Survivors find out about this and try to complain to the producers about only ever getting to see whale arse. And if they do, they could always give some kangaroos snorkels. ["Boing... Boing... Chomp!" -- WhoreBoy]

Everyone tells Princess Jane to not bother sharing, since the reward is so small. Pfft. That's their only reason?! Shut up, Aurora.

The whale continues swimming, and it's surprisingly difficult to recap. You can't really snark on a whale.

The tribe propose naming it after Princess Jane. Princess Jane is not shown reacting to the news they think she's as big as a whale. (Princess Jane: "I wanted to call it Knob's Ego.")

Jane eats. The whale nudges the ring, apparently trying to go inside it. But because he nudged it, Link has to take the reward away from Princess Jane and give it to Sophie. I'm sorry, but those are the rules. Except he doesn't.

Everybody is in awe. The whale expresses its confusion over the big yellow ring. Aww, poor Knob's Ego!

Okay, I don't care what you think of the show or the cast or the challenges or whatever. But that whale sequence was without question the most spectacular thing I have ever seen on Survivor, and possibly on any show, period. Wow. I'd like to see a monkey interfering with a challenge on the American version. I guarantee you Probst would not be happy that he's not the most important person there.

Cliffs in silhouette. Sunset. Beautiful. Knob bending over. Not so much. He's doing it to scrape more stuff from the rocks. Long Pole Joel threads a fishing line. Lance is also getting his rocks off. The tribe walks back home. They cook their abalone or mussels or whatever it is, and Long Pole Joel shows off his giant pile of fish. Long Pole Joel tells everyone a random story about how a seal made off with a fishing hook. Dull, no matter how enthusiastic he is about telling the story. (Relevant New Zealand joke of choice here.)

A seal, perhaps the one he's talking about, swims past an underwater camera.

Commercials. Given the need for immigrants to speak English competently enough to pass the citizenship test, why doesn't SBS put subtitles on its daytime news shows?

It's Day 29 at Aurora. Only ten days left with these people, thank God. Assorted props decorate the camp. Knob writes a driftwood birthday card to his son Gabriel, because it's his birthday. I'm just glad he didn't actually write "Booba". Knob confessionals that he considered not coming out here, because he didn't want to miss his first birthday and his first steps. Knob is clearly on the verge of tears. I am quite possibly the least emotional person in the world about this sort of stuff, but: If you don't want to miss such important events, then don't apply. I can assure you I wouldn't have missed you.

Sciona tells us that today is tough for Knob. Whatever. Hatie hugs Knob because today is tough for Knob. I get it, editors. Really. Hatie marvels at driftwood, as though she doesn't see enough of it when she goes down to the beach. Lance and Long Pole Joel, who have apparently been sitting in front of Knob and Hatie the whole time, begin talking to them and Knob has to bitch to Long Pole Joel that he's "not a high-five type of guy". Shut up, Knob. But he doesn't, because he confessionals about how annoyingly cheery Long Pole Joel is. For God's sake. He's just trying to congratulate you for managing to not repulse one woman in the universe, so accept his warm wishes before even he stops bothering. Princess Jane also confessionals that Long Pole Joel's starting to get a little annoying. And since she hasn't been a total whiny bitch this whole game, I'm inclined to put more value in her comments. See how that works, Knob? When you piss people off, they don't care. When you don't, they listen.

Long Pole Joel confessionals that he's been himself the entire time. Can we please ban all references to being real from these shows? When people talk about how they're always being themselves, then they're not being themselves. But in better news, Long Pole Joel is shirtless. Mmmmm. Craig who? (Just kidding.)

Hatie confessionals that she wants to boot Long Pole Joel because he's big and strong.

As Long Pole Joel carries a big tree branch around, Knob confessionals that everyone else is thinking Long Pole Joel is starting to lose it. As opposed to you and Hatie, who are totally and completely sane? Knob adds that Long Pole Joel will be voted out unless he wins Immunity.

Sciona and Lance eat plants and discuss them. It's not an important scene. Sophie confessionals that the lack of food makes her tired. Who'd'a thunk it? She says that the tribe is "the walking dead half the time". And the other half of the time, they're making confessionals about how they're the walking dead.

Sophie and Lance talk about food, and Sciona confessionals that it's boring to hear people talk about food and hear the same recipes over and over and over. Coincidentally, it gets boring hearing the same confessionals over and over and over. Take note, Biggest Loser Australia producers.

Big ants. Also bees.

The Water Windmill, still windmilling as it was back on Day 1. Sophie confessionals that her plan was to blend in and fly under the radar. Mission accomplished. I think it took until about Episode 8 or so before she did something other than rock the challenges.

More bees. Bzzzzz.

Hatie and Sophie gather water. Well, Sophie gathers, while Hatie opens her pants so that a bee can fly in. They laugh, which is not the reaction I would have expected.

Yet another sweeping helicopter shot takes us to the Bucket Mail. Do we have to read the damn message every time? Yes, we do, and this time it's Long Pole Joel and Princess Jane who get the "honour" of reading the painted rock:

Your challenge today for you to treasure

Is to keep a cool head amidst the pressure

The task you complete is not for pleasure

Immunity will be for the one who can measure

The now-traditional Challenge Preview Shots are even more boring than usual this time around, and contain assorted buckets and scales.

Assorted scales and buckets.

Commercials. Tonight in the Nein Newsroom: James Mathison and Andrew G finally admit they're sleeping together.

Assorted timelapse shots of the cliffs. That don't mean anything, because today's challenge isn't at the beach. At the clearing, they walk in and Link give them the customary greeting from behind a table, before he takes away Sophie's Immunity Giant Fish Scales. This week, the challenge is all about things they "take for granted". Because apparently, it's possible to take volume and temperature for granted. Just like last week and back at the first challenge, there are different stages. This time, whoever is farthest away from "the correct answer" will be out of the challenge. Last person left wins. Simple. I think that, once again, this is a challenge that looks great in concept but doesn't translate to television too well.

The first stage is to search the surrounding area, find an object weighing one kilogram, and bring it back to Link's table. Everybody meanders around searching for rocks, and suddenly they are waiting to be measured. Lance is first. One and a quarter kilos. Hatie. Fifty grams more than Lance. Long Pole Joel. Four hundred grams. Sophie. 175. Princess Jane. She's 240 grams over the required weight. Sciona's is exceptionally close, and Link teases her about it being just a tiny bit short of a kilo. Knob. 150 grams. Link mocks him for how far off he is, and how eliminated he is.

The second stage is the same basic thing, except they're looking for something one metre long. Everybody grabs branches. Hatie thinks that yoga will help her work out how long one particular branch is. Lance holds up a branch taller than he is and appears to be seriously considering it. Part of the trick with this one is that the branches are bent, while the tape measure Link will use isn't. So, really, you're looking for something a little bit more than a metre long. Lance's stick is one metre twenty two. Hatie's is "nine twenty", which makes me think they're measuring in millimetres. Surprisingly to WhoreBoy, Long Pole Joel does not pull down his own pants and lie on the table. He provides a stick of his own, which is only half a centimetre longer than Link wanted. Nice recovery. Sophie's is 80.2cm, and she takes over Hatie's role as Subject Of Frequent Graphical Reminder Of Who Is Last. Princess Jane is only two centimetres off. Sciona is correct when she says she'll be joining Knob, because her stick is a quarter of a metre away.

In the third stage, each person has a stopwatch, which has been borrowed from the local school like that bus was in the first episode, because the producers are still cheap. They're measuring five minutes, but must start and stop the stopwatches themselves. And the screens are covered, so there's no cheating here. There is footage of people standing around and looking at the screen, even though they can't see it. Link asks everyone if they're done, and begins peeling off the masking tape, carefully holding the stopwatches up to the camera. He incorrectly notes that Lance's thirteen hundredths of a second is "thirteen tenths of a second". Yeah, not so much with the maths there, Link. But now why know why he recaps the votes so often at Tribal Council. Long Pole Joel smiles. Hatie's stopwatch is clocked at 5:36.85. Long Pole Joel has 5:41.83. Sophie also fucked up, even worse than Lance. Princess Jane: 5:40.94. Sophie is out, unsurprisingly. There should have been some way to ensure that everyone would start without a fuckup like that. One person could be a genuine mistake, two is bad planning.

Link brings the four buckets from the preview shots over to the table, because the fourth round is all about volume. One at a time, each player will use it to take some water out of a big barrel. Whoever's furthest from two litres is out. For no reason, Link reminds the four players that one will win the Immunity Dope-On-A-Rope. Princess Jane's white bucket is first. Long Pole Joel takes a lime green bucket. Hatie has yellow. Lance is blue. Link pours out the dyed water into a measuring jug like you'd use in your kitchen. Jane has 150 milliliters too much. Long Pole Joel has fifty less, but still one hundred more than he wants. Hatie is a quarter of a litre over. But she's saved, because Lance is a bit more under.

Round Five. Temperature. Link points out that he has a thermometer. When he says go, each person writes down the exact temperature (in °Celsius) at the challenge clearing at that time. They are given charcoal or crayons or something, which makes their writing look like some school kids did it. Hatie guesses 20.5°. Long Pole Joel has drawn a little cartoon person saying 24.6°. If they were eliminating whoever followed Link's instructions least accurately, he would be out. Princess Jane has 21.5°. So, in essence, Princess Jane is safe for this round. If the real temperature is 22.5° or lower, Long Pole Joel is out. If it's anything higher, Hatie is out. I'm not sure this round was truly thought out that well. The actual temperature is about thirty degrees, and so Hatie is out. Thank God. I was getting scared I'd have to recap her whining about how she had to try so hard to win Immunity, because everyone else didn't lay down their game for her. In other news, Princess Jane won the reward challenge and has now made it to the final of the Immunity Challenge, so anyone who keeps saying she's worthless at challenges is an idiot, KNOB. I kind of get the feeling that where Craig was the strong person on the intellectual tribe, she's the brainy person on the brawny tribe. Which kind of surprises me.

The final round is perhaps the most unusual of all. Princess Jane and Long Pole Joel must guess each other's weight. When they've both done it, they get on a set of scales and get weighed on national television. Unfortunately, we've already eliminated the biggest losers on the tribe from the challenge. After Princess Jane refuses to let him pick her up, Long Pole Joel guesses she weighs 45 kilos. Princess Jane guesses Long Pole Joel weighs 71 and a half kilos. Oooh, precise! Princess Jane gets on the scales and weighs 48.9 kilograms. An onscreen graphic tells us that Joel is 3.9 kilos under. It also has a darker strip behind it to make it easier to read, which I wish they would have done for all the other graphics this season, like they did in the first ever episode of the US version. Link gets down to crotch level to read Long Pole Joel's weight, which is 77.9 kilos. Long Pole Joel looks surprised. Bizarrely, the Serene Music Of Triumph waits until Long Pole Joel is told he's the winner, even though we know from having both guess graphics on screen at the same time. So Joel wins the Immunity Rice Scooper.

The tribe walks back to camp, where a shirtless and Immunity Skin Cancer Protection Device-wearing Long Pole Joel confessionals that everyone is equal unless they win the Immunity Deformed Maracas. Sophie confessionals that some of the tribe were going to vote for Long Pole Joel if he didn't win, and now they're all screwed. She talks to Princess Jane about it. Princess Jane confessionals that she was sad he won, because he would have been going home. And presumably she's also sad because now she's one of the weakest vulnerable people left, and is thinking she'll be getting some votes. Long Pole Joel ironically confessionals that he thinks he didn't need to win the challenge.

Commercials. The key to fulfilling your dreams? Is a good musical number.

Bland moon rising. Bees are apparently representative of South Australian lie again, but I couldn't figure out how they were relevant the first twenty times. It's Day 30, and Knob is writing a journal and thinking. Lance is doing his yoga. Hatie, Princess Jane, Long Pole Joel, and Sophie are in bed. How do we know all this? Because Sciona boringly exposits for us, even though we could also tell that just by watching the images on screen. Is there some reason these contestants think it's necessary to tell us what everyone else is doing, when they could tell us during their own screen time? Develop your own personalities, dammit! While I'm ranting, Lance continues his yoga. As Knob continues his writing and reflecting, a kangaroo stares straight at the camera, as though it's trying to tell us "can you get a load of this idiot?"

Sciona tells us it's going to be hot, and we can also see that from steaming shells she's cooking. She pours out a bucket of water.

In the sand dunes, Lance and Knob wonder where Long Pole Joel is. Knob thinks he grabbed a blanket and went to sleep in a hole. It's certainly preferable to having to sleep with Hatie, that's for sure. Not that Knob would know anything about that or anything. Knob confessionals that he and Lance have gotten on fine since the merge. In this interview, Knob's hair looks really horrible. It's got this weird mohawky thing going on, but it still winds up looking like Cameron Diaz's Semen Hair in whichever movie it was. Except it's dark. Oh, and since Knob is being nice about someone, we can be sure that person is about to be voted off. Thanks for sharing, Knob. Hatie confirms that Lance is the target, but that he's "an amazing man to have around". WhoreBoy and I notice at exactly the same time that she conveniently didn't use the same reasoning for Craig.

Sophie and Hatie notice Sciona's cooked breakfast. Hatie looks bemused that someone would bother cooking for Sophie.

Lance talks to Knob about how amazing Princess Jane is. I wouldn't necessarily go that far -- though certainly she has stepped up this week -- but at the same time it's nice to finally hear someone talk about her without bitching about the lack of work she does. You will not be surprised to learn that Knob does not appear to agree. Neither does Sciona, who opts in her confessional for the Older = Smarter reasoning in regards to Why Princess Jane Sucks.

The moaniest music on the planet teams up with the least wavy waves on the planet to take us to the non-Sciona women, who are walking down to the beach. There are shots of the Survivors having fun, for the first time in forever. Happily, Long Pole Joel is in a Speedo. Unhappily, so is Knob. Princess Jane points out that this is one of the first days since the start that was warm enough so that they didn't have to wear layers. But wasn't it over thirty degrees yesterday during the challenge? Why couldn’t they have done it then? In more interesting news, Princess Jane has replaced her ugly outfit from back then for a mauve bikini.

Knob confessionals that Princess Jane is much stronger now than she was during "the first couple of days". Why he uses back then as an example when people were still bitching about her being weak just last episode escapes me.

The girls continue sunbathing. Hatie gets pissed with gravity when her boobs look even flatter than usual. It's not shown, but you just know she did. What is shown, however, is Sophie and Jane discussing whether their old clothes were going to fit them when they got home. Sciona confessionals that the other women spend all day talking about shopping and food and which one of them Link has a secret crush on. She says it's "a different world" for her. And what makes it so different? Gratuitous nudity. Oh yes. Also, she says "separated" just as the camera guys get a nice clear shot of her arse crack. You know how people sometimes say they just threw up a little? I really did just throw up a little. I hope you're happy, Sciona's Naked Arse. She (the person, not the crack) says that she can't participate in their discussions because she doesn't shop or have kids or want to get married, but that she wants to talk to them more. Well, when you get out of here, adopt a kid if you need to. Also, please try not to get naked in front of television cameras again.

Princess Jane confessionals that Sciona keeps to herself, but that she's honest and not manipulative. I've got no comment on that, but can the editors please get away from the nude shots?

As water moves slowly, Knob confessionals that Sophie's a huge threat and Knob wants to get her out as soon as possible. He asks Hatie, who says she'd rather force Princess Jane to abdicate first. Hatie reminds Knob about how she struggled to vote for the people she was exceptionally close to, but did it anyway. Of course, we haven't actually had a vote yet where Sophie has been that close to whoever got voted out, so I assume the editors dumped this footage in from later on. Which is sad, because it means Knob and Hatie will both be safe. But I already knew that from how Knob talked about Lance before. (And Lance is one of the people Sophie was with when she was talking about telling them if they were getting booted last week, so it makes sense. As she reminds us about saying in a confessional.)

Lance dives for a shell, which looks like a gigantic mushroom. Back on shore, he confessionals about how he doesn't think there are any alliances yet, and WHICH GAME IS THIS? Lance tells the group he found some big abalone while he was swimming. He shows them the biggest abalone shell, and says that it's his new rice bowl. Princess Jane and Sophie laugh. You will not be surprised to learn that Hatie doesn't.

Princess Jane confessionals that none of the remaining players feel safe. The implied "Except for Long Pole Joel, who has the Immunity Link Repellent" is not added. Princess Jane seems surprised to discover that she could also be eliminated tonight.

Knob hugs Long Pole Joel from behind like a needy four-year-old, but Long Pole Joel tells him to fuck off because he can't see straight. Long Pole Joel drinks from a bag like you'd see people sculling from on a buck's night. Long Pole Joel confessionals again that he would feel safe even without the Immunity Y2K Repair Kit.

At sunset, everyone hikes to Tribal Council. Somebody's silhouette looks like they have a rife in their backpack. Huh.

Commercials. Does anybody ever actually use the thimble as their counter when they play Monopoly?

The tribe walks in and Link does his thang. Luckily, it's not stripping, because I have had just enough nudity for one episode. The jury comes in and... wow, and I thought Craig was hot before. Oh, and NoMind also looks good.

Knob, you must feel like the worst dad ever after missing your kid's birthday. Do you? He doesn't appear to feel too bad, but promises "to try" and make "most" of his "milestones" from now on. That makes no sense. Is there some sort of milestone you would deliberately choose not to witness? And given that he's now an entire year old, poopy nappies and barfing do not count. Sciona, does not having supplies necessary to catch food make catching food a little bit harder? Sciona says it's not a good position, but avoids saying whether it makes catching food harder. Lance, do you feel safe? Lance mentions it's like friends playing cards at this point, and Knob rolls his eyes. Of course he does. Hatie, you hated Craig more than Mulder hated the Cigarette-Smoking Man, so are you happier now that he's gone? Yes, she is, because it means she can feel comfortable with a majority alliance. Link reminds Hatie that she now has to vote a Tipara off four the first time in six episodes, and she seems happy to do so if it means she gets out of here quicker. Sophie, how important is honesty and integrity in this game? She says it's impossible to be happy with your level of both and yet still be playing the game to the best of your ability, which is completely the most perfect answer she could have given.

Once AGAIN, Long Pole Joel is ignored, but at least this time he gets to vote first. He votes for Princess Jane, because he thinks she's done the least to get as far as she has. Well, of course, she hasn't exactly needed to, but whatever. Princess Jane votes. Hatie votes. Sciona votes for Lance because integrity gets you nowhere. Sophie votes. Knob votes. Lance votes for "Sconia", even though it's hard for him. Apparently, it's even harder to spell the name of a person you've been around non-stop for the last month correctly.

Link grabs the minikeg. Lance. Lance. "Sconia". Lance. Princess Jane. Lance. And Lance is gone, even without Link reading the final vote. He gets his torch and is snuffed. Once again, Knob does not wave to Lance on the way out. Tool. Link says Lance might have been surprised by the vote, and tells the remaining six that there might be some more surprised to come. Not bloody likely.

Next week: Long Pole Joel sings Ice, Ice Baby, because he is still about fifteen years closer to knowing what is cool than Knob is. There is a challenge involving life rings and Hatie almost falling over. Woo! Knob reminds us all that he's not "squeaky clean", in case we hadn't gathered that from his self-congratulatory confessionals over the previous ten weeks. He appears to be trying to con Sciona and Long Pole Joel into something. Sciona boringly confessionals about how losing your integrity for money is "a bit cool, isn't it?" Clearly, she is even further behind the times than Knob and Long Pole Joel. Sophie, Long Pole Joel, and Princess Jane all cry. Knob appears to be trying to drown himself in a barrel. But a "freak wave" supposedly almost makes it happen to another person entirely, even though we can tell from watching closely that the wave loses its power while the camera is zooming in on its "victim".

Lance has enjoyed the experience. He was shocked by the vote. Yawn. Oh, and: Lance voted for “Sconia”, Long Pole Joel voted for Princess Jane, everyone else voted for Lance.

Is it just me, or do these people all sound really bored in their post-booting confessionals? Actually, now that I think of it, that was a boring episode on all fronts. Boring challenges, boring scheming, and an obvious boot. Please, God, let next week be better.

1 comment:

  1. From an old version of this blog, Bluezombie:

    "Another great recap. Sorry to see Lance go, he was one of the least objectionable by far.

    I have used the Thimble once in Monopoly. My mum would always be the dog, my sister the horse, and my dad the car or hat, I used to always be the shoe, but then I felt bad that the other pieces never got used, so I began to alternate, to give them all a turn. Sad, I know.

    Agree about Knob's Ego, that was a nice scene to include."