Is it really a losing “streak” when (1) you have yet to lose two challenges in a row, and (2) you remain fully clothed? These questions and more will not be answered tonight.
Last week on Crash and Burn: The younger Tipara women decided that getting a killer tan was more important than killing food to eat. Sciona inconsiderately wasted much of her tribe's drinking water by burning herself. Jeff also apparently burned himself, but chose to walk around in pain rather than use what was left of the water. Kadina all lost the Immunity Challenge together, and thus had nobody to blame. At Tribal Council, they voted all over the place, but Tim got the axe (so to speak). Fourteen masochistic fools remain, and by the end of this episode, one more is going to replace clam lips for calamari rings. Who will it be?
This week, we go not to the credits, but to Kamp Kadina on their return from Tribal Council. There, Bald Spice is whining self-defeatistastically about how bad it feels to get a vote. For some reason, he automatically assumes that it was one of these people still at camp who voted for him -- Craig, in fact, was the one who voted for him, if you remember back, so he is right -- but he still should not assume this, considering he was the only one who voted for Caren, and thus there's every chance the eliminated Tim – who presumably didn’t vote for himself – got sick of him and cast the mystery vote. So, in short, SHUT UP, BALD SPICE. (God, less than a minute in and I'm yelling. This is going to be a bad episode.) Sylvain says that he feels “like shit” that Bald Spice is feeling like this.
By the way, now is a good time to mention that we apparently aren't censoring our swearing in this version (neither the British nor South African versions bleeped either, if I recall correctly), so lower your morals, America. And that is quite possibly the only time you will hear someone tell Americans to be lewder. After all, America’s contribution to world culture consists of professional “wrestling”, the Paris Hilton sex tape, and Jerry Springer. And yet they’re still trying to convince people that they have a reason to be respected in the world. (Dear Americans reading this: I’m sorry, but it’s at least partially true. You also make a lot of fine products, like… like… like… I’ll get back to you on that.)
Sylvain continues to guilt trip Bald Spice into thinking that Bald Spice is sending Sylvain on a guilt trip, which is the funniest thing I've seen on Survivor in years. Deb quite correctly points out that they shouldn't feel like they have to tell each other who they voted for and why, and Bald Spice rants some more about how they think that either he’s "a weakness, or maybe [he’s] a threat". Personally, I think he’s a jackass. As if to mock him for his low threatassessing standards, we cut straight from that quote to the windy windmill, and…
Credits! In the credits of my mind, Joel and Craig are mud-wrestling. Naked. Okay, forget the mud. It just blocks my vision anyway.
Back at Kadina, on Day 7, Bald Spice continues to bitch via confessional about the vote, whining that he's not in any alliance. And he doesn't think there are any forming, leaving him to wonder what'll happen if he goes into the merge in an alliance of one. Let's work out this monstrous bit of stupidity from a tribe member's perspective. At the last Tribal Council, there was one vote for Caren, one for Deb, one for him, and the remaining four for Tim.
Obviously, he didn't vote for Tim considering he doesn't consider himself part of an alliance. He didn't vote for himself, so for either Caren or Deb. Given he has apparently already figured out that Tim didn't vote for him – and again, didn't vote for himself -- Tim's vote has to have been for whoever Bald Spice himself didn't vote for. Therefore, of the remaining five players, four are seemingly in an alliance, and one voted for him anyway. The team is likely to go to Tribal Council again at least once before the merge, so if that alliance holds there's a 50% chance he's getting booted, at the very least. Factor in his behaviour last night, and I'd say that that's probably around 80% at this point in time. Not to mention that he's always sick or injured at challenges. Again, SHUT UP, BALD SPICE.
Sylvain confessionals that nobody's asked him for an alliance. Bald Spice confessionals that he didn't think he needed an alliance to be safe in the game until he got a vote. He does know that this isn't The Amazing Race, right? Although, how you could confuse Link with Phil after six days is still pretty damn shocking. Link doesn’t even have visible eyebrows. Deb confessionals that she doesn't care that she got a vote, because it shows that people are actually beginning to play the game, even if they haven't gotten their alliances worked out yet. Deb is now officially my favourite female contestant. Go Deb!
Shot of the sea. Tipara flag. Jeff's "HI FAMILY I MISS YOU" wall hanging is still up, because apparently all of Tipara wishes Jeff's family could be here. And take him away. Sciona confessionals about the blisters caused by her burn, while Jeff is snoring again. Lance confessionals about the food situation and how they're stuck on rice because they suck at fishing. Shots of Joel being happy as his beard finally grows, and Sophie and Princess Jane marvelling about Princess Jane's nails. Because she is Princess Jane, and you will all marvel. Marvel! …I don’t hear marvelling!
Rob confessionals behind everyone's backs -- literally -- that everyone's being too nice, and I sorta feel him there, but I'd rather have too nice than too nasty. I mean, you remember Survivor Thailand, right? Turning around to walk back to the group, he gives an exaggerated hugging gesture, just in case he didn't make it quite clear enough to the group that he is sick of this "trying to form a new society" bullshit that always get sprouted fruitlessly at the start of the season.
Kadina are walking down to the beach to fish, having this time remembered the fishing line. Bald Spice also has had enough of everyone being nice. Since I'm gonna get sick of repeating the words SHUT UP, BALD SPICE over and over again, every time you see the number 86, that's what I'm thinking. Got it? Good. 86. Craig confessionals that he was the one who voted for Bald Spice, and mentions that he told Bald Spice it was him, and that it was a bad tactical move to do so. I'm not sure whether he means voting for Bald Spice or confessing, but he's only right if he means confessing, so let's run with that. We are then treated to said talk, and a Bald Spice confessional. 86.
Back at Tipara, Rob and Sophie are retrieving the treemail, and mentions that it "looks like one of your things". A... what, exactly? It looks like a cuttlefish, is what it looks like. Anyway, she reads the treemail, and once again, I have to listen to it, and therefore so do you:
Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive
Over and under you have to go
To make a rope for the boat you must tow
And the end of the line, to share with the tribe
A sack full of goodies to help you survive.
Kadina cleverly thinks the task involves pulling a boat and making a rope. Apparently, they read the one line of the crappy poem in which both of these suspicions are confirmed. Rob's reading clearly does not include reading any of the six lines, given that he thinks it's an army assault course, like they would do every morning. And I now officially hate Rob's smugness. Shut up, Rob. Jeff confessionals that he wants to win it, and he wants "the other nerds" to have nothing. Firstly, aside from Joel here and Bald Spice there, the other tribe is way cooler than any of you lot, and secondly, does this "win everything" and "want [Kadina] to have nothing" exclude the previous reward challenge, which they won and are still enjoying the profits of? Blithering nitwit.
The tribes are both walking down the beach to Link. Rapid shots introduce us to itty-bitty bits of the challenge props, and to the concept of standing around, as we cut to...
Commercials! Tonight in the Nein Newsroom, Santa Claus explains that the only reason he asked Rudolph to guide his sleigh that night was because his red nose was pleasing Mrs. Claus a little too much.
With Link back in his own wooden body, he tells Tipara that since Kadina lost Tim last night, they "need to find two people to sit out of this challenge". It's not like it's going to be hard for them to do. Anyway, here's how the challenge works: each tribe gets a bunch of ropes in a large circle on the ground. You untangle the ropes by going under and over each other, without going inside the circle yet. When all the ropes are free, you tie them together so that nobody can untangle them so easily. Then, you tie one end of the rope to your tribe boat, and move it out into the water. You go all the way around a coloured buoy and back, swimming over the cast of Underwater Survivor, and carry your boat into that circle you weren't allowed in before. The first tribe to get the boat and everyone else into their circle wins another pot, a frying pan, lanterns, and a hammock.
Survivors ready? Go! Kadina gets their rope done easily, with Tipara not far behind. As both tribes head out into the water, we find out that Sophie and Rob (apparently having been pissed about this not being an army assault course) are sitting out. Further out, Joel and Craig climb into the dinghies and start rowing. With Craig being infinitely more successful, Lance decides to jump in and help Joel row, thus continuing Tipara's Weekly Challenge Of Stupid Strategy. It'd be much easier for one person to synchronise rowing than two people, so I'm not really sure why Lance is in here, unless they all think Jeff is a tool who needs to be reminded that Tipara can lose as well. Kadina are well up the beach by the time Tipara are even out of the water, and by this stage it's no contest. Craig is even clearly practically dragging the boat by himself and he's doing better than the other ENTIRE TRIBE. Go, Craig! Now, just hurry up and win Immunity, already. Link points out that Kadina keep winning reward challenges, and that the reward is already in their boat, as if Craig had no idea when he was rowing the damn thing. Shots of Kadina looking at their reward, shots of Kadina swimming happily, having apparently decided the reward isn't really that great.
And speaking of not great, that challenge wasn't.
Anyway, we are teleported back to Tipara, where Hatie rings the Immunity Bell in dejection. Jeff confessionals about how they weren't happy that they lost, and how they came to win rather than come in second, and how they came in second today, as though we didn't just watch the damn challenge. By the way, Jeff, in this game? Second = LAST. Shut up. (I'm probably gonna need Shut Up numbers for every individual player soon, but then this would wind up looking more like an mathematical equation than a recap. In any case, and even though nothing on screen has convinced me to say this, 86.) Hatie passive-aggressives that they don't care about losing the reward.
Over at Kamp Kadina, Sylvain and Craig are carrying the hammock and trying to decide where to put it. Craig thinks that as long as you're not on the ground it doesn't matter, and he it totally right about that. Sylvain confessionals about how Kadina thinks they, you know, have a physical, you know, advantage and, you know, how, you know, Craig and he, you know, get along because, you know, they're similar, you know, ages and, you know, both, um, you know, guys. You know? He also loves being around the girls because they're girls. You know, I'm thinking he might be repressing something here. Just a theory!
At Tipara, flies buzz around everywhere, and Lance confessionals about how they wish it was colder during the day and warmer at night, and blah blah Al Gore's only half-right cakes. Jeff is snoring again, after apparently having fallen asleep in the middle of the day. Lance confessionals that Jeff told everyone he normally sleeps with an oxygen mask to help his snoring. Everyone else laughs at his snoring, and Rob snots that eight other people shouldn't have to live with this when his wife can suffer alone, thank you very much. Jeff just snores, the same way many viewers were compelled to do during that sequence.
Commercials! This show is brought to you by about an eighth of a second of black, supposedly here to represent an entire night.
Tipara, Day 8. Sciona confessionals about the changing weather, and how they should start waking up earlier to get water and food. Because the water is apparently able to decide when it will come out of the windmill well. At the water, Hatie catches a fish but refuses to touch it, then confessionals about he she's scared of animals and they make her go and squeal like a little girl. I hadn't noticed. Sciona kills the fish for her, and she continues about how they have a special chemistry. Apparently, they were talking about forming an alliance, but decided that they needed more people. So Sciona suggested Joel and Rob. Right on cue, we get a shot of Hatie reaching her arms around Rob, because she hasn't forgotten about the whole Imaginary Hatie And Rob Love Story which seems to be permeating their time on screen together. Ugh. Rob whines about how he caught his first crab and how he got "nipped". Right. Hatie confessionals about how it's going to get more hostile at the end of the game. Which is completely out of place here, but... all right. I mean, what can I say? I only recap this. And it’s not like I can get into a TARDIS and go back and change the results or anything. Which I should totally do, if I ever meet the Doctor.
At Kadina, there are flies everywhere, and Sylvain is killing some insect with a stick. Meanwhile, Bald Spice is demonstrating the toilet seat he has made, which supposedly has "variable settings for different arse sizes". 86. As he sits down on it, one of the support rocks starts to tip, and I get all excited for a second. Not for long though, because he quickly notices and holds the rock. Damn. Bald Spice confessionals that Craig, Sylvain, and NoMind are very tight. He thinks that Caren and Deb are more approachable because they are more vulnerable. As if on cue, Deb and Caren are discussing whether people have tried to figure out who Caren voted for. But that would be relevant and possibly interesting, so we cut back to Bald Spice and Craig talking about their toilet seat. Boring. But at least Craig seems to realise that different... body types... will be more reason for the changeable seat than arse size. He tries to bring it up politely, then ruins much of whatever cred he had accumulated to this point by thinking that the girls will work it out for themselves. In other news, 86.
Back at Tipara, Sciona and Lance are arguing about whether fish should be cooked or left to rot. Sophie confessionals that Sciona is being a bossy bitch, and: completely accurate. But in this case, she has a point, because you don't want fish stinking up the camp. Sciona confessionals about how being here has made her miss her dead dad, and she's quite clearly on the edge of tears here, but it's not particularly making her more likeable. (To continue with the Doctor Who reference earlier, I have the emotions of a Cyberman. You’ll get used to it, eventually. Unless you don’t.)
Kadina. Everyone is eating fish, and talking about how good cold pizza is to eat for breakfast. Seriously. Deb confessionals about how Sylvain is too busy schmoozing up to the girls to focus on the game, and how she can see right through what he's saying. Hee. Apparently, he's created this place called Fantasy World, where everyone eats pastries for breakfast, but Caren wants cereal. Sylvain mentions that because there are no rules, she can have that for lunch. Which completely ignores the fact that there is apparently a rule forbidding her from having cereal for breakfast. Idiot.
David and Deb go to get the mail, which they don't immediately see. But unfortunately seeing will be a part of this challenge, or so says the tree mail:
As the crow flies it will be straight as you see
Sailors on lookout you will all have to be
To win you'll have to chop with glee
The ringer you will find mean Immunity
Yes, that's right: in addition to not making good rhymes, they can't even make a complete sentence any more. Feh. (Not that some of these people could tell the difference.) Bald Spice confessionals that the fact Kadina keeps losing Immunity Challenges is an advantage, and then tries to make some sort of comparison with Caren and Deb, who likely are nowhere near as deluded as he is. 86.
The quick snapshots of this challenge include axes, tribe flags, and... a triangle. I kid you not. An actual, primary-school-band triangle. What crappy props will they think of next?
Commercials. If you're not sick of TV shows on the internet yet, check this out.
And we're back for the Immunity Challenge. Link tells us the details, and it actually sounds... really boring, for something that involves a crow's nest and musical instruments. It's very simple. There's a crow's nest and mast being held up by a couple of safety ropes stopping the mast from killing you (though, with some of these people, I choose to ignore those ropes and hope for the best), with one anchor-like rope pulled wayyyyy back to where the teams start, and in the crow's nest is a bunch of boxes. One shot at a time, the people in your tribe have to alternate chops with an axe, trying to get through a thick log keeping the anchor rope steady. When you cut all the way through, the rope releases and the other safety ropes buckle, causing the mast to fall over and basically make a bridge across a ditch. You run over the ditch using the mast as a balance beam, where all those boxes have fallen with the crow's nest. Somewhere inside all that is a 'ringer', which from the looks of it is just a stick of metal about the size of one of those batons you'd use in a running relay. Maybe a little girthier. You find your ringer and take it to two hanging triangles a little further down the path, and you ring yours like a maniac. The first tribe to ring their triangle wins Immunity. Tipara has to get rid of two people, but it's not entirely clear who they chose. We know Sophie and Rob have to do it because they sat out the NotAnAssaultCourse!Challenge, and Hatie and Joel are shown chopping, but aside from that? Anyone's guess. Though Jeff and Princess Jane are shown providing commentary, so... them? (Besides, is anyone really surprised Princess Jane doesn't want to touch the long sharp pointy thing, lest it knocks her up?)
In what is a really badly edited challenge, it's basically a whole bunch of chopping until Joel gets Tipara's log chopped enough so he can drag it off the little pedestal it's on. The only halfway entertaining thing about this is that as soon as Tipara runs away, Jeff tells Kadina to slow down, as if the challenge isn't already over. Anyway, once Joel cheats, it causes the mast to tip and Tipara cruise home, though the win is still tainted, given they didn't actually chop through their log or anything.
So now Tipara – the tribe almost completely full of asshats – gets to stay totally intact for even longer, and Kadina – the tribe with all the people worth watching, plus Bald Spice – has to vote someone out. Again. This season is really... not going that well.
And we cut to Tipara going swimming for no reason at all, other than apparently showing Princess Jane getting out of the water in her bikini. And to watch the Immunity Bell sitting on the shore like it's a mother watching her kids act like idiots. (The Bell: "Just don't drown, kiddies! And no burying me up to my neck, either!") Meanwhile, Kadina walks back to camp dejectedly. Deb confessionals that Jeff was a total dick at the challenge. For no reason, what with him being on the other tribe and all, we cut to a confessional of Jeff telling us that he's competitive and will distract the other team if it helps him. Which has nothing to do with what Deb said, given she said she tuned him out, but that he shouldn't have been doing it in the first place. In any case, I agree with Deb on this, which is good, because we cut back to Kadina, where Sylvain bitches and NoMind confessionals that if she makes the jury and he's in the final two, there's no fucking way in hell he's getting her vote.
Nice wildlife shot of a group of emus, and of a toad. At least they're not more kangaroos.
When Kadina finally gets back, NoMind confessionals about how Deb came up to her and told her that Bald Spice had been trying to form alliances. It's interesting, but you know what would be even better? SHOWING US WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. But we join them later on, where they're talking about how Craig is supposedly not playing for the team. Deb and Sylvain talk to Craig about this, and it's very clear they want to get rid of Bald Spice too, but yet this is still fun because... it's Bald Spice. Craig takes great glee in his confessionals about how the game has finally started, and more power to him.
Commercials. You know what goes great with Christmas? Violent euphemisms. (Note to my ex-boyfriend: If you want me to choke on your candy cane, make sure it's big enough to actually big enough for that to be possible.)
At Tipara, they walk back into camp and immediately start playing cricket with their spade and a pebble. Guess it really sucks to not have anything to do, unlike, say NoMind's football. (I am really regretting calling her that at the moment, because she actually seems smarter than most of the people left.) Hatie confessionals about how she's good for team morale, and... well, at the moment she's less unpalatable than Rob or Jeff, so... I guess? It doesn't seem right, anyway, is what I'm getting at. Hatie talks to Rob at the windmill about their Imaginary Love and whatnot. She confessionals about the need to play to people's emotions in order to do well, and thanks for the memo. No wonder my "You're a total racist, misogynist arsehole. Alliance?" strategy didn't work out. More random Hatie narrating, followed by a Sophie confessional (I think it's her first ever, but I could be wrong) about how it's inevitable to form alliances, lest you be picked off like Pagong was. Rob whines about integrity; Sophie confessionals about not being able to trust everyone.
At Kadina, they're complaining about the cold and the broken toilet seat (thanks a LOT, Sylvain). Craig confessionals about how Bald Spice is going to attack the girls to try and get their votes. Hilariously, Bald Spice about how this is exactly the strategy he wants to use. Unfortunately, everyone else already knows this, and he's not getting anywhere with any of them. Hee. Also, 86. Right on cue, David is talking to Caren about getting her vote, and she actually seems like she might almost be paying attention. No, Caren, don’t do it! It’s a trick!
Commercials. Let's just get this crappy, crappy episode over and done with, shall we? And why were there commercials so quickly after the last ones?
Landscape shots. Caren and NoMind confessional some more about Bald Spice's gameplaying. More landscape shots, and we are at Tribal Council.
Link tells them they know the drill about the torches, which: Funny. And utterly, utterly true. When they sit down, the first thing he talks about is the weather, which is always promising to liven up an episode that has otherwise been pathetically boring. Unlike the corresponding episode of Underwater Survivor, which was hilarious. At least he doesn't mention Mother Nature again. He does mention how Kadina might as well just move their camp to Tribal Council, considering how much time they spend there and all. Tribe, how does this affect your time in the house? (Oops, wrong show.) Craig mentions that they keep peaking at the wrong time. No shit, Sherlock. By the way, the torchlight here is really flattering these people. Because I pay that much attention. Caren, do you choke? Not on the recapper's ex-boyfriend's candy cane. (Oh, I went there. I went there, took pictures, and flew back already.) (The pictures are totally on eBay.) Caren, what he really means is do you get nervous? Yes, but that's a good thing. They want the "silly bell"! Hee. Also, can you imagine the bell with a smiley face? Tipara probably painted one on it when they took it down to the beach. David, you turned up sick. Does being outside in freezing cold and stinking hot weather help you get better? Apparently, the answer is yes. Deb, when tribes suck, alliances start, as Link claims he knows from experience, having hosted this show for an entire... two episodes before this. Are there alliances here? Deb does not want to buy into the paranoia of alliance-mongering, and Link asks about paranoia instead. Deb thinks that it exists. NoMind, Tipara are loud brats, especially Jeff. Does it annoy you? Yes, dammit. And it's very frustrating, so you better go and dump him over in the naughty corner before he gets worse, because his behaviour is very unasseptible. Do you think Tipara are good sports? Did you not hear the answer to the last question, Link? You know, Link, I’m really trying not to dislike you as much as I despise Jeff Probst, but you’re making it very difficult.
And now Link brings the fun. He mentions that it's good to make your tribe better rather than worse, and wonders if anyone knew that Tim was an experienced woodchopper. HA! As much as I like this tribe so much more than Tipara, it almost serves them right for keeping Bald Spice, who is sick, hasn't done anything, and is a general annoyance over Tim, who got camp organised and was at least not hopeless at challenges. On the other hand, even if they did know, how would they have known what the challenge was?
And it's time to vote. Bald Spice votes. Craig votes for Bald Spice, claiming that trying to form an alliance so he can win this game is bad. Caren votes. NoMind votes for someone who is playing their own game instead of helping the tribe. Deb votes. Sylvain votes. Link goes to count the votes. The good news is there aren't many to count, so Link won't get so confused like he did when questioning Kadina this week. Bald Spice. Bald Spice. Craig, who looks a little surprised to get a vote at all. Bald Spice. Link reminds everyone that one more vote is enough to send Bald Spice home, and the next vote is indeed for Bald Spice. So we finally get rid of him. He grabs his torch and is snuffed. As he walks off, Link once again reminds the tribe about how they suck, and sends them home. Aren't they already there? Apparently Link didn't get my idea.
Next week, giant bees threaten to kill Tipara or something. It's about time. Also, Craig gets his inner Hef on. And just when I was liking him! NoMind smiles at the thought of naked Deb. Or at yet more kangaroo shots. You know they're bad when they even make the previews. Are the kangaroos supposed to make us keep watching? Because that part, I already saw. Several times over.
Bald Spice's confessional. 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86 86. But we do learn that Bald Spice voted for Craig, while everyone else voted for him. (And how is it that these votes, so readable at the voting confessional, become impossible to see when Link holds them up? Is he holding them backwards or something?)